by Ringo Cowan (and friends)
Submit your Schticky contributions to Roger@ValleyBethIsrael.org
This fun column is filled with Jewish humor, some off-color humor, and stories to enjoy.
A
Jewish fairy tale
Once
upon a time there was a Jewish man and a Jewish woman
One
day the Jewish man asked the Jewish lady “will you marry me?”
The
Jewish woman said "no"
And
the Jewish man lived happily ever
The
end
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The
census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”
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The IRS and the Rabbi
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then
turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of
candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do
you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question,"
noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send
them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box
of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed
that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he'd try another question, in his
obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you
do with the crumbs from the matzo? "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi
calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to
the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo
balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking
hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what
do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here
too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all
the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor
in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS
...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
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RAIN
Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”
A RIDDLE
A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?”
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: a white fish.
“A white fish?” people said. “A white fish isn’t purple.”
“Nu,” replied the jokester, “this white fish was painted purple.”
“But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?”
“Aha! But this white fish was hung on the wall.”
“But a white fish doesn’t whistle,” somebody shouted.
“Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”
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IF ONLY THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER...funny!
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz (dirt) off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that... Monica."
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Q: Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
A: It's called "Cheeses of Nazareth.
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch...
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An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”
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Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”
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Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strolls in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to visit.”
“So why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”
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Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
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A man was standing by a grave as another man was crying out, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The man walked up and approached him, asking him if it was a close relative buried there.
He replied it wasn't.
"It must have been a close friend".
"No, I never knew him." He looks back at the grave, "Why did you die?"
"Then who is buried here?"
"My wife's first husband. Why did you die? Why did you die?"
____________________________________________________________________________
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
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A new word has been added to our vocabulary,
especially for seniors.
"EXHAUSTIPATED"
Meaning: You are too tired to give a sh.t
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Did you hear about the 2 Irishmen who walked past a bar?
It could happen.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
The news just reported that 500 ants disguised themselves as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
An elderly Jewish couple are in a restaurant eating when a lady walks past their table.
Husband: "Now that's a very pretty lady"
Wife: "You mean the one with the bright pink lipstick, red dress,beige belt,green shoes and fancy glasses?
Husband: "Yes wasn't she pretty?"
Wife: "To be honest I really didn't notice her.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
The Jewish Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that
was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the
Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super
Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one
corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA- BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him
what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest
sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gun shots
all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten
within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house
so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!"
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Q. Why do Jewish women make great parole officers?
A. Because they never let anyone finish a sentence
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish what would Cheetah be?
A. A fur coat
Jokes from past editions:
Q. What do you call a Jewish male tea bag?
A. A He-brew
Q. According to Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
A. When it graduates from Med School
