Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Yahrzeits December 2018


December 7, 2018

Virginia Fenstermaker  Harry Lefko                      Nathan Weiss
Hetty Faye                      Bernard Mangel              Sydell Pava
*Celia Horowitz              *Charles Zuckerman      *Robert Neiman
*Ida Coga                       *Morris Gordon               *Julius Pearlstein
*Ellen Samuels              *Paul Dubin                     *Golda Dinsfriend
*Joseph Nathan             *Marian Allen                  *Karen Wolfe
*Jerome Bierman           *Rose Swilkey                *Fanny Krumholz
*Sam Shaffer                  *Samuel Sherman          *Rebecca Shonman
*Ethel Turell                   *Molly Loden                  *Seymour Schwartzman
                                                                   
December 14, 2018

Mary Winowitz               David Levy                     *Keilah Netz
*Rose Kaiserman          *Jane Litman                  *Harry Wolfe
*Jake Ostroff                 *Louis Urbach                 *Calvin Pava
*Robin Allen                  *Julius Epstein               *Ellie Haas
*Thelma LaMargo         *Sadie Riesman              *Albert Lichstein
*Marcus Schwartz        *Mollie Weinstein            *Bela Frankl
*Lena Perlman              *Lena Shainkin               *Sadie Watnick
*May Wilkotz                 *Sam Payne                    *David Gorlin
*Mollie Kirshner

December 21, 2018

Rose Pitler                     Donald Murray                 Arthur Penn
Irene Goldenfeld           *Sarah Goldstein              *Boris Gorelick
*Harold Duxler               *Irving Sanders               *Abraham Teitlebaum 
*Murray Loden              *Samuel Horowitz            *Isadore Markowitz
*Emalie Ellison             *Mildred Wolfe                  *Benjamin Mandel
*Ann Scheingart           *Philip Seidman               *Sonia Moshin
*MIchael Markheim       *Leah Litwin

December 28, 2018

Emery Haas                    Samuel Bunshaft             Ida Troshinsky
Louis Fisch                     *Anna Fox                        *Morton Applebaum
*Joseph Seligman          *William Foy                    *Anita Shonman
*Sadie Rothman             *Isadore Kuberneck        *Aleck Scherlis
*Kalman Milgram           *Isadore Saltz                    *Samuel Sklar
*Freda Minz                    *Eva Siskind                     *Max Senensieb
*Sophie Gole                 *Eleanor Kaplan                *Rose Wahrhaftig
*Leonard Kostin


*Denotes Memorial Plaque

President's Message December 2018


Shalom everyone and Happy Chanukah,

                As always it’s been a very busy month in the synagogue. I made some notes a couple of weeks ago about what to put in this message so when I begin writing everything may be disjointed. Just bear with me because I have a lot to tell you about.

We had a visitor in the synagogue one Saturday morning who was on a quest to chant a Haftarah in each of the fifty states. When I talked with him by phone a month or so ago and heard his goal I felt we were a good match along his road to completion. So chant he did and those of us in attendance enjoyed being #12 and learning a little about him.

The “Variety Show” that we co-sponsored with Panorama Presbyterian Church was a rousing success. We had comedians, musicians, singers, trapeze acts (oops, scratch the trapeze—we couldn’t get the riggings up in time if you can believe that). All in all I believe everyone enjoyed the various performers. If you didn’t come, you missed a wonderful show. We are already in the planning stage for a follow on variety show scheduled for the spring.

The world premier of “The Chanukkah/Hanukkah/Hanukah/spell it however you wish Story” was absolutely fantastic. With a cast of thousands (would you believe fifteen or so) the audience was in stitches. Written by our very own British playwright, Roger Cowan, the cast of non-actors pulled it off. The crowd was 50% greater than planned which was exciting and there was even a standing ovation. Wow!! We have heard that some who attended the world premiere are coming back for the second performance the first Sunday in December and they’re actually paying to get in again.

We have signed an agreement to have a cell tower located on our property. This should help to improve our financial situation for years to come. Also, as I have reported previously, installation of solar panels is almost complete and we are looking forward to seeing a decrease in our electric power bill. These additions to our facility plus the increasing number of fund-raisers that we are planning are certainly improving our financial stability. We must continue to work hard to increase our membership and to support all the events that are being added to our calendar every month. Please do your part—Valley Beth Israel is a great place to be and you are such an important part of it.

The 24th Annual Interfaith Service, this year hosted by St. Genevieve Catholic Church, was such a warm service as we joined with Panorama Presbyterian Church and St. Genevieve to celebrate the Thanksgiving season. The clergy of each organization had so much to say and their camaraderie was priceless. We all prayed as one.

Become a VBI-VIP (see the flyer in this newsletter) and come to Rabbi Mark’s performance in the Landmark Opera Company production of La Boheme (again, see the flyer in this newsletter). Have a wonderful Chanukah and a Happy New Year. See you next month.

                                                                Ron

Friday, November 30, 2018

News of Our Congregants December 2018











We send our get well wishes to Richard Nadel and  Alan Wolfe, and hope they are feeling better soon.

We also hope Zack Goodman is on the mend as he recovers from a motorcycle accident.
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We know there are always a number of congregants who are battling illness or have suffered other health issues.  We send you wishes of a return to good health.

(Please let us know if you, or a fellow congregant is infirmed so that we may send prayers and wishes for a return to good health).

Volunteer Opportunities December 2018

As a great synagogue with a small congregation, Valley Beth Israel grows and thrives as a result of it's dedicated volunteers.  And we need more help! 

Our volunteers help plan and organize our events, build toward the future as members of our Board, and hold many other roles in between.  YOUR help is most definitely wanted, and needed.

Pauline Reich wanted to remind us that she collects items for servicemen and women, soldiers overseas, and needy veterans here at home. She's been doing this for many years, and needs our help!!

There is a box in the Temple entry on the left side on top of the glass display counter. Here is a list of the useful items Pauline will happily collect:

Birthday, Holiday cards, etc.- that you get in the mail

Pads you get in the mail
Candy - nothing twist ties - must be sealed on all 4 sides
Pens
Snacks, cookies, chips,- individual packages
Toothbrushes
Hot Chocolate Mixes
Foot Powder
Ramen Noodles
Travel Games
Magazines (within the year)
Decks of cards
Soft Cover Books

If you would be kind enough to bring your items to the Temple Lobby, Pauline picks up donations weekly.

Should there be anything the soldiers cannot use, it is given to the veterans at the VA.
Pauline also collects your empty ink cartridges from your printers. They are sold to a company and the money made is used to send all these items overseas.
THESE MEN AND WOMEN ARE  'OUT THERE FOR US'.  IT IS THE LEAST WE CAN CAN DO FOR THEM!!!

Thanks for your help in advance.  If you have any questions, please feel free to call Pauline at: 818-764-8466
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If you want to be involved, but cannot fully commit to a task, please let us know as we would be thrilled to have a list of volunteers we can contact as needs arise.
  • Board Members
  • Event Planning - including creating flyers and marketing our events
  • Event Preparation - shopping / cooking / serving / set up / clean up
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If you have anything you wish to have added to the newsletter, please email Michelle at redheadsrule20000@hotmail.com. Please email your submissions by the 25th of the month, to allow ample time to include your contribution to the following month's newsletter.

Upcoming Events

The Calendar of Events!

August  12   -  "Horse" Racing and Brunch at the Temple (*bring the kids*)
Sept.  1        -  Selichot Dinner 
Sept. 30       -  Sukkot - Dinner in the Sukkah 
Oct.   21       -  San Manuel Casino (Transportation + snacks + games)
Nov (TBD)   -  Talent Show & Event with Panorama Presbyterian Church
Nov 25        -  Hanukkah comedy play 
Dec    2        -  Hannukah comedy play (and separate dinner event)*
*more details to come


* San Manuel Casino is for adults 21 years and older only.
**Children's pricing is for youth aged 5-13 years old.  Children 4 and under are free!  
*** We will send out flyers for each upcoming event with more details. 

Schticky Corner December 2018

by Ringo Cowan (and friends)
Submit your Schticky contributions to Roger@ValleyBethIsrael.org
This fun column is filled with Jewish humor, some off-color humor, and stories to enjoy.



On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."


The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." 
  
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good. 

 
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.  How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, be merry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
____________________________
For several years, a man was having an affair with a Jewish woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Israel to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Israel to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Lokshen' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:  Lokshen, Lokshen, Lokshen, 
One with kneidlach, two without.
Send extra soup.
________________________________________

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

________________________________________
A Jewish fairy tale
Once upon a time there was a Jewish man and a Jewish woman
One day the Jewish man asked the Jewish lady “will you marry me?”
The Jewish woman said "no"
And the Jewish man lived happily ever
The end
______________________________
The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

_______________________________
The IRS and the Rabbi

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo? "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."

"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
_____________________________________________________________
RAIN
Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”

A RIDDLE
A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall and whistles?”
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: a white fish.
“A white fish?” people said. “A white fish isn’t purple.”
“Nu,” replied the jokester, “this white fish was painted purple.”
“But hanging on a wall? Who ever heard of a white fish that hung on a wall?”
“Aha! But this white fish was hung on the wall.”
“But a white fish doesn’t whistle,” somebody shouted.
“Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”

________________________________________________________
IF ONLY THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER...funny!
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz (dirt) off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that... Monica."
________________________
Q: Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel? 
A: It's called "Cheeses of Nazareth.

Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet? 
A: "Modem anachnu loch... 
____________________________
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?' "

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
  
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”
________________________________________________
Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious. “Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”
___________________________________________________________
Schwartz is sitting in his room, wearing only a top hat, when Steinberg strolls in.
“Why are you sitting here naked?”
“It’s all right,” says Schwartz. “Nobody comes to visit.”
“So why the hat?”
“Maybe somebody will come.”

_______________________________________________________

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the Congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"

Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."

The rabbi questioned: "Then how come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."
_____________________________________
A man was standing by a grave as another man was crying out, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The man walked up and approached him, asking him if it was a close relative buried there.

He replied it wasn't. 

"It must have been a close friend".

"No, I never knew him."  He looks back at the grave,  "Why did you die?"

"Then who is buried here?"

"My wife's first husband.  Why did you die?  Why did you die?"
____________________________________________________________________________

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30already...I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

 

The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!!"

 

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

 

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

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Q.  Why do Jewish women make great parole officers?
A.  Because they never let anyone finish a sentence 
Q.  If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish what would Cheetah be?
A.  A fur coat

Jokes from past editions:

Q.  What do you call a Jewish male tea bag?

A.  A He-brew


Q.  According to Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

A.  When it graduates from Med School